Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Okay, we actually have no way of knowing if those were the exact words Barry's father used when dumping him...or, for that matter, if they were the words Barry's mother used when dumping him on his grandparents. But we suspect they're the words that millions of Americans are currently tweeting.
And we're talking about tweeting (an activity which we hold in low regard) because Barack Obama - having little else to do now that he's fixed America - recently visited the Jimmy Kimmel show to read and react to "mean tweets" about himself.
Although frankly, Hope n' Change didn't find the selected tweets to be particularly mean - we could have personally penned a few which, to use the common parlance, would have torn him a new asshole. But instead, the tweets were carefully selected (including one from Donald Trump) to provide easy straight lines for entirely-scripted rebuttals from the celebrity president.
Of course, the purpose of Barry's visit wasn't really to indulge in self-effacing humor, but rather to continue disparaging Donald Trump in the run-up to Election Day. Which would hardly seem necessary if the apocalyptic one-sided polls are to be believed...but apparently Barry doesn't believe the race is over, and neither do we.
Still, it's going to be a long two weeks until Election Night - and much like a 140-character tweet, we're already at our limit.
BONUS: ABSORBING CONVERSATION
As part of the media's attempt to discourage actual voting, there are many reports that Hillary's team has confidently shifted their attention from winning the election to smoothly transitioning into the White House. Which we picture going something like this...
Monday, October 24, 2016
|They took away our soap-on-a-rope when we made a little noose.|
Right up until the last minute, we had extreme reservations about voting for Trump. The man is a disaster of the first order - but at least there's a scintilla of hope that he might head a worthwhile team. And even if he doesn't, at least it's a relatively safe bet that he would be a highly disruptive force in a political/moral quagmire which desperately needs disruption.
In order to cast our vote, we had to ask ourselves if there was anything imaginable which might come out in the next couple of weeks that would keep us from voting for Trump over Hillary. And the answer is no. He would have to be proved responsible for raping more women, causing more deaths, extorting more funds, revealing more national secrets, and forging more secret alliances with America's sworn enemies than the Clintons have. Frankly, we don't think that's even theoretically possible.
Additionally, we wanted to vote early to show our resentment for the way the media has conducted itself during this election cycle. Every day, new scandals are coming out about Hillary (any one of which would sink most candidates) but they're quickly buried by the mainstream media. Instead, we're given sensationalistic news stories about a female porn star coming forward to accuse Trump of offending her womanly sensibilities by giving her a quick hug and a kiss over a decade ago.
Oh, please. This is a woman whose theatrical specialty is [CAUTION: you may want to skip directly to the next paragraph. Be warned that you can never un-read the following words] something called an "anal creampie." And we're supposed to believe that this gentle flower is still having nightmares about getting a kiss from Donald Trump?! Unlike her seamy day job, at least a quick peck from the Trumpster won't make it impossibly painful for her to ride a unicycle.
Enough is enough.
This is not the election we hoped to see in 2016, and these are damn sure not the candidates we wanted to choose between. Even after 8 years of Barack Hussein Obama, we took no real pleasure in casting our vote...other than imagining the horror-stricken faces of those on the Left if Trump somehow wins.
If that happens, liberals will finally know the pain that we have felt for 8 long years. And know why we don't ride unicycles.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Democrats and Republicans alike are all aflutter following Donald Trump's refusal to say that he'll automatically accept November's election results without first determining that the results are actually honest. "My stars!" the media is gasping while reaching for smelling salts, loosening their corsets, and briskly flapping lace fans near their faces.
Well here's a little Hope n' Change bulletin we'd like to add: we will never accept Hillary Clinton as president of the United States. She will never be "our" president, and we will never accept the legitimacy of the appallingly corrupt process which has gotten her this close to the White House.
Granted, it's entirely possible that Donald Trump, in his infinite and annoying Trumpiness, would have the ability to lose any election including one which was entirely fair - but the Left isn't taking that chance. Thanks to Wikileaks and Project Veritas, we now know that this entire election cycle has been shaped by the Democrats' flood of dirty money, dirty deeds, systemic corruption, and collusion with the media.
We know that Hillary and her cronies hold the American people in complete contempt, and that their idea of irredeemable "deplorables" not only includes hardcore Trump supporters, but virtually every person of faith, every person who believes in the sanctity of life, and every person who believes this should be a nation of laws and equal justice for all.
By definition, Hillary Clinton is an illegitimate candidate, and there is nothing that can happen on November 8th which could make her a legitimate president in our eyes.
BONUS: UNLIKE A VIRGIN
Still hyperventilating from the idea that Donald Trump elbowed another guy in the ribs and snickered the word "pussy" over a decade ago, the Left seems to be surprisingly accepting of Madonna sexually objectifying men (while simultaneously giving both aging pop stars and sluts a bad name) and offering to trade oral sex for pro-Hillary votes.
Since lewd talk and/or behavior is apparently a legitimate campaign issue now, we'll quote the Material Girl directly: "If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blowjob, OK? Swear to God. And I am good. I’m good. I’m not a douche and I’m not a tool. I take my time, I, uh, have a lot of eye contact. Yeah? And I do swallow."
Which sure helps with those dry cleaning bills, right Mr. Clinton?