Friday, February 1, 2013

Shear Madness

obama, obama jokes, hope and change, hope n' change, stilton jarlsberg, janet napolitano, homeland security, scissors, gun control

Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the government is doing everything in its power to make citizens safer by taking guns out of the hands of sane people. But that doesn't mean that they intend to leave us totally defenseless when facing down a well-armed psychopath.

That's why the Department of Homeland Security has produced a video which explains that in an "active shooter" situation, you can take out the bad guy using an ordinary pair of scissors - assuming that the shooter isn't wearing body armor, that he doesn't see you coming, that you don't slip in the blood of other victims, and that the shooter doesn't turn you into swiss cheese when he gets tired of receiving annoying little jabs.

The video, produced at taxpayer expense and having all of the cinematic panache of a 1950's "Duck & Cover" public service film, gives additional helpful tips that people might not think of when confronted with a death-dealing maniac: run away if you can, or hide and be quiet while waiting your turn to die.

No mention is made of "shooting back," because the only people who should be carrying guns are police, lunatics, and the Mexican drug cartels. Additionally, the video doesn't clarify whether it would be permissible to use scissors against a radical Muslim like Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, considering there's a chance you might accidentally cut off part of his holy beard.

While some people viewing this video might feel like they're not really getting topnotch value out of the tax dollars being spent at Homeland Security, it's important to note that Ms. Napolitano's agency offers protection for citizens which goes far beyond scissor-fu during an "active shooting."

For instance, last week the DHS released important information about coping with the dangers inherent in an "active snowing."  Who knew that, in the midst of a blizzard, we should "stay indoors during the storm," "walk carefully" on snow and ice, and "if you must shovel snow, stretch before going outside." Take that, Al-Qaeda!

Still, in the wake of Sandy Hook it's good to know that the Department of Homeland Security is on the job and that our children will be perfectly safe as long as they're in a building with lots of scissors.

Like, say, an elementary school.

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FRIDAY BONUS CARTOON!

After failing to meet with his advisory Jobs Council for over a year, Barry finally gave up the charade this week and allowed the group to disband after accomplishing sweet effing nothing other than giving candidate Obama a CYA talking point during last year's elections.

Presumably, the members of the Jobs Council will be given generous severance packages, two years of unemployment benefits, food stamps, and the other "lovely parting gifts" awarded when contestants lose on the biggest national reality show of them all: "American Idle."

BONUS CARTOON TWO! 

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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Arab Fling

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The world gasped in shock and horror this week when Iran surprisingly launched a monkey into space, raising the nightmarish possibility that while we were distracted by little things like Iran's nuclear weapons program, they were actually planning to leapfrog the rest of the world in monkey launching.

Aboard the Iranian rocket, the tiny monkey - named Hussein Muhammed Mo Hominid - was strapped into a "cruel" restraint harness which PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Astromonkeys) found highly offensive but which would simply be considered less-kinky-than-usual bedroom equipment in San Francisco. The monkey was then launched to an altitude of 72 miles where it is said to have caught a fleeting glimpse of 99 sexed-up monkey virgins before it was safely returned to Earth.

Barack Obama has demanded that the United Nations send a harshly-worded letter to Iran warning  that uncontrolled proliferation of space monkeys will not be tolerated and could lead to drastic consequences.

The president preferred not to get specific, but said that "all options will be on the table." Including, presumably, sending Joe Biden to San Francisco to be fitted for a restraining harness.

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Monday, January 28, 2013

Word on the Skeet

obama, obama jokes, gun control, skeet, skeet shooting, michelle, stilton jarlsberg, hope and change, conservative, conservative cartoons Seeking to dispel the notion that he's some sort of effete gun-hating pansy ass, Barack Obama revealed in a hard-hitting interview that he has actually held a gun when shooting skeet at Camp David. No, really!

"We do skeet shooting all the time," bragged Mr. Obama, making a show of scratching his alleged testicles. "Not the girls, but oftentimes guests of mine go up there." And if you can't trust the manliness of a guy who throws down words like "oftentimes," you're clearly a racist.

Dirty Barry, as he likes to be called when he's "packing heat," claims that he has profound respect for the tradition of hunting in our country (despite a tragic experience with a snipe hunt in Hawaii when he was high on weed and a little blow), and says that those who dismiss his gun-loving ways out of hand "make a big mistake." Presumably because he might shoot them while having his monthly surge of testosterone.

Still, in the face of the president's broad new push against guns, it's reassuring to know that he deeply respects the Constitution's second amendment, which explicitly and without infringement gives Americans the right to defend their homes and shores from the tyranny of skeets.

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Readers: Sorry about the late post this morning. Just a technical snafu. -Stilt